Here is the story David Sedaris told us the other night. Now, you and I both know that it was WAAAAYY funnier when he told it, but I will do my best.
It seems 30 years ago a friend of DS told him this story. The friend was dying to go to the bathroom and his father called. So he answered and was talking to his dad.
But he really had to go.
So David Sedaris said to his friend, "so what did you do?"
To which the friend replied, "I shit in my hand." Like it was the most normal thing in the world.
David was shocked and taken aback. But the friend was adament that this was not such a big deal. It was 30 years ago. And we were all tethered to the wall with our phone cords and such.
So years later he is telling this story to a woman friend. And instead of being shocked and taken aback, she says . . . .
"Well, OF COURSE he did! I always shit in my hand. Well, not always, but you know, when I am in a public restroom".
Huh???
"Yes," she went on, "when you are in public you don't want that loud splashy noise going on, so you shit in your hand and then gently drop it in with NO loud splash. Why? Don't you do that?"
*We were all about to fall out of our seats laughing at this story.
Then he goes on to say that he could not believe that everyone shits in their hands and he was the last one to know about this. So when he is on book tours and such and around a lot of people to ask, he now asks people if they shit in their hands. And a couple of days ago he was telling this story and asking someone about their experience with shitting in their hand and the lady behind that person pipes up with this contribution, "Well, if she is concerned about the plopping sounds she should just take a large wad of toilet paper and put it in the toilet first. You know, like a landing pad."
This is one of those stories that no one except David Sedaris, could really tell and have it be hilarious and not disgusting. Or maybe it was hilarious BECAUSE it was so disgusting?
Anyway, I am here to tell you that I have never shit in my hand. If the situation ever arose that I was in a public restroom and worried about making plopping sounds I would rather that strangers overheard the noise than I have a handful of shit. Sorry. But I have drawn a line in the sand on this one!
omgomgomg. I am sitting here with my jaw hanging open and a lot of laughter going on inside my head. that is crazy!
ReplyDeleteLOL @ the landing pad. People are crazy!
I'm with you, I think that is the grossest thing I have ever heard! Let's just hope these nutbags wash their hands. Oh, just had another thought, they then take the hand they have shat in, and pull up their clothes, flush the toilet, open the stall door, then turn on the faucet! GREAT, just great-I may never use a public restroom again!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI have heard a LOT of weird things but shitting in your hand while in a public restroom so that nobody can HEAR it (although I'm sure the SMELL was a dead giveaway) is a first.
ReplyDeleteAnd really makes me reconsider actually using public restrooms.
It makes ME reconsider shaking hands ever again.
ReplyDeleteThese are EXACTLY the kinds of thoughts I had!
ReplyDelete1. Never liked touching anything in a public restroom in the first place, now it's double gross.
2. I am going to say something to people about washing their hands.
3. Shaking hands is a scary proposition.
And here I am in the other stall, hovering, not touching the seat with my purse hanging around my neck because they don't have a purse hook on the door, not really caring whether the person 3 stalls over happens to give a little splash or not. And now? I would prefer to hear the splash rather than wonder what she has had in her hands.
See I was already pretty leary of shaking hands now-I'm going to bring back wearing gloves! A southern lady never leaves the house without her gloves-so help me!
ReplyDeleteToo funny! And no. I would have said, "Dad, I need to call you back in a few."
ReplyDeleteBut I was talking to my friend, Charlotte, once and asked her if she was peeing. She said, "You can hear that?" She was so upsset because she had done the same thing while on the phone with the president of the college where she taught. Heeee.