Losing your marbles and flipping your lid

Crap.  It has been way over a week since I have posted.  I was so busy (here's the losing your marbles part of the title) planning and taking care of the big 80th birthday party for my father-in-law that took place last weekend.  The party and all the family stuff was so much fun.  And unbelievably, all of us, and I mean every last one, were all in attendance.  Isn't that wonderful?

I don't know about you, but in our family, whether it be my side or Mr. Big Ed's side, there is always a conflict with someone's schedule and it just leaves a hole in the dynamics.  So anyhoo, it was wonderful that we were all here and that we got loads of pictures.

Rachel Pie and I worked hard on a project for this that we called "When Dad was my age".  I wrote down every child and grandchild in age order, then calculated what the year would have been when Dad was their current age.  For example, the youngest grandchild is five, so his part (read by his older brother) was this:  "When Grandpa was my age, the year was 1937.  FDR was president. The price of gas was, the price of a loaf of bread, and some fact pertinent to Grandpa's life".

You get the picture, right?  It was really fun taking those little strolls down through what was life like at each of those stages.  So, I sent all the info to Rachel Pie who took it all and put it on little pages for a scrapbook.  We skipped every other page and left the facing page blank to then put in a picture we took of Grandpa with each of the participants.  Then we ran off to CVS and printed up those photos and stuck them in and gifted him with the book.

I gotta tell y'all, it was a HIT!  Everyone loved hearing what each other had to read and Grandpa loved it. But for some reason, neither Rachel Pie nor I expected it to become a touching, emotional event and it turned that way really quickly.  Lots of tearing up and dabbing of the eyes.  Then we had cake and ice cream and everyone was happy again.  : )

Last night Sparky and I were up really late and sitting in the family room in our respective "spots" and we heard this loud, and I mean really LOUD, BANG!!!!  We looked all over and Sparky looked outside but we didn't see anything.  So he wanders off to go to bed and I started hearing sirens.

Not hearing sirens off in the distance, like I normally hear when they are headed to the hospital nearby, but like right in front of the house.  So first I peeked out the peephole and there were flashing red, amber and blue lights aplenty!  Holy Shitballs!  Something major was happening on our street!

So I yelled at Sparky to come back down and look.  We looked again and for some reason I don't understand, he went back to bed!!!!


Not me!  I grabbed my cel phone and went trotting out there to see what was what.  It took my eyes a bit to process what was actually going on.  There were 2 huge fire trucks, and 5 cop cars all with lights blazing.  There were neighbors out there in all sorts of pajamas and hurried-on garb.  And in the midst of all this there were 2 cars in the street.

One was a parked car that had been not only side-swiped but shoved down the street.  And the other one?

Upside down and had been spinning on its top and come to rest facing perpendicular to the street.

Holy Shitballs, indeed!

Seems that the very young looking girl who crawled out of the red upside down car was loaded on something.  Whether it was booze or drugs remains to be seen.  She was barrelling down our street and managed to hit the parked car (of the neighbor's girlfriend) and careened into a free-flying upside down spinning disaster.  I have no idea how she got out of that car and was still all in one piece.  If anyone had been in her backseat they would be toast.  That car was fucked up bad.

Another cop car joined the light brigade and then 2 tow trucks came, one from each direction.  We were all wondering how on earth they would get an upside down car onto the bed of the tow truck.  You know how they do that?

THEY FLIP IT!

Here are some crappy cel phone pics of that whole process:

Amazing, right?

So after they flipped the car and all sorts of crap went flying out of the car, loose cds, cel phones, her purse, etc. They put all the valuable things in a plastic bag, gave the arresting officer the purse and took a huge push broom and swept up the remaining parts o'car and put them inside the car!!!


For some reason, that struck me as funny.  "Yeah, here's the REST of your car for safe keeping".

While all this was going on, we went back and forth between commiserating with the poor girl who will probably get her car totalled just by parking it on a quiet neighborhood street at 2 a.m. and watching the officer try to get a field sobriety test completed by the driver of the red spinning top car.  It was not pretty.  She was not present enough to know that her life had just taken a screeching wrong turn and there's no coming back from that.  Thankfully, no one was killed and she herself didn't appear to be hurt.  She is going to be sore as hell today when she wakes up in jail, that is a given.

It got me to thinking about how they always say that you get a lesson over and over again, stronger each time till you get that lesson and learn it and are able to move forward.  Wonder what her lesson might have been?  Sure hope she got it, because she might not live through another more forceful lesson.

Worst Blogger Ever Returns

Hey there!  Yes, it has been 2 full weeks since I last posted anything.  Yes, I do realize I am in the Worst Blogger Ever category.  But, I have been really busy.  For reals.

My sweet little Rachel Pie is home and we have been busy staying up damn near all night long playing cards, drinking tea, drinking eggnog, crocheting, watching Christmas movies, you know, the usual.

Plus there have been many days of trudging through the grocery store to get everything we need to make:

A. Chex Party Mix.  It is not the holidays around here without tons and tons of Chex Party Mix. My s-i-l and I both make it and we go through that stuff like there's no tomorrow.

B. Tamales.  Tamales are a traditional thing to make for Christmas eve and we really try to make good ones and have enough to get through New Year's.

C. Christmas candy and treats to pass out to the neighbors.

D. Regular meals during all of this holiday shenanigans.

Now about the candy, let me tell you this, I got the recipe from the blog of someone else, and since I haven't asked her permission to send you over there, I won't do that just yet.  But if she tells me "yes, please send your 5 readers over here" I will do just that.  I got the recipe she calls Crock Pot Candy and thought it seemed like a really fun idea.  So I bought all the ingredients and did as it told me to layer them up in the crock pot and leave them for 3 hours.  DO NOT TOUCH OR STIR FOR THREE HOURS! And then you stir it all up and drop by spoonfulls into little miniature cupcake papers to set up.

I left it the requisite 3 hours and went in to find a 2 inch thick wall all the way around the inside of the crock pot of burnt all the way to charcoal mess.  It was horrendous.  You have never smelled anything so gross.  Not to mention it took days to soak, scrub and chisel that crap out of the crock pot and try to get rid of the burnt smell.

I got a few more ingredients and tried again.  I'm so brave, right?

This time I checked it after 1 hour and it was almost ready.  After 1 1/2 hours it was perfect.  My crock pot must run really hot in the low heat button.  I don't know what's up with it.  But half the time was just right for my crock pot.  I guess crock pots are like microwaves in that they are each a bit different and quirky.

So Rachel Pie and I got all the little shiny gold and silver papers ready and dropped all the ooey gooey goodness in to them and I added some crushed peppermint on top for festiveness.  We packaged these in little tins with gold tissue paper and passed them out to the neighbors.  And within an hour of returning home several of them had called to say how much they loved the candy.  Now I don't know about you, but when people come calling with treats I tend to put them on the holiday table to serve along with all my other goodies.  I don't generally open the package and scarf them down right there at the door.  But that is what they seemed to do, and they all loved them.  New recipe to add to the holiday repetoire.

Today is our 30th wedding anniversary.  Can you believe that?  Mr. Big Ed and I are officially old farts if we are that damn old.

Here's something else you aren't going to believe!  (Lisa Pie's blog, where you come to find the unbelieveable and be astounded)  Mr. Big Ed is known far and wide by his lack of the shopping and gifting gene.  The man just doesn't like to shop and is oblivious to gifts, getting or receiving.  It has taken a lot of years for him to get to the point where he is today.

In fairness, it has taken me a lot of years to learn to tone it down when gifting to him, because his not wanting a lot of stuff and a lot of fuss made over him is not a character flaw.

So when we exchanged our anniversary gifts, I almost fell out of my chair when I opened the box to find a 36 inch strand of Tahitian black pearls.

I'll just let that sentence stand alone and let that thought soak in.  Pearl is the traditional gift for 30 year anniversary.  Black pearls are one of the things that would be on my bucket list of things to acquire.

I may have toned down my gift giving just a tad too much, since all I got him was a cute little thing to heat up his towels for after the shower.  I am not saying it's a crap gift, but next to black pearls?  It didn't look all that awesome.  I hope he enjoys it as much as I will enjoy those pearls!

I want to do this

You may or may not know of my love of AC/DC.

Here is the list of the Top AC/DC inspired Christmas light extravaganzas.

Enjoy!!

This one is my favorite, not just because it's my favorite AC/DC song, but because it's THREE HOUSES all synched together to the music.  How awesome is that??

Any one think The Colonel and Miss Betty want to team up with us for an AC/DC themed Christmas?

Merry Christmas!

It's been one of those mornings

You know the kind I mean.  The kind where you wake up in a bad mood and it goes down hill from there? That kind.

Lately morning has been starting about 5 o'dark thirty, with that no good sorry ass Angus MacPhee deciding it is time for e v e r y o n e to wake up.  And wake up the hard way.

What is the hard way, you might ask?

It starts with that little bastard Angus meowing.  Then he gets louder "MEEEOOOOW!"

Then he gets this really deep down, open up his throat meow going that gets so loud it's unbelievable!

"Rrrr, rrrrr, mrrrr-ooooowwwwwww!"

We have large industrial-sized squirt bottles filled with watered-down vinegar to blast any pet who gets out of line.  And Mr. Big Ed keeps one on his side of the bed at night for just such displays of douchiness.  So the morning has started.  Angus is yowling and acting like a dick.  Mr. Big Ed is squirting the bottle without aiming or opening his eyes and all the other pets are trying to get out of the line of vinegar fire.

Then Angus decides that it is time to move on to Phase Two of his "Kill the Morning Campaign". Phase Two looks like this:

On each side of our bed are night stands.  Each with lamps, alarm clocks, various reading materials, glasses of water, eyeglasses, cell phones, house phones.  You know, the usual night stand clutter.  And right behind those night stands?  Long skinny windows with those crappy metal mini-blinds in them.

So Angus bats at the metal blinds (making loads of noise in the process) until he gets them to flip forward enough that he can get in the window behind them and start the yowling process all over again.  That way he is up much closer to our heads so we can hear him all the better.  And he has his eye on you the whole time so that the minute you raise your head up to try and start throwing the other 4 cats off of the top of the covers so you can get out from underneath them and grab him, he has rattled out of the blinds and headed for the hills.

Sometimes he even goes for Phase Three.

Phase Three looks like Phase Two except for one thing.  Instead of going around the back side of the night stands to get into the blinds and make a ruckus?

HE GOES ON TOP OF THE NIGHT STANDS AND KNOCKS ALL THAT SHIT OFF OF THEM!!

If that weren't bad enough, he does it first on one side and then when we get all cleaned up and settled back down,

HE DOES IT TO THE OTHER NIGHT STAND!!

Angus is quickly using up all of his nine lives.

That's how the morning started today.  Then I had to get up and take Nikita Babushka (the Husky Princess) outside to pee. While she is out peeing and sniffing the air, I go get Maxwell Banks (the Schnauzer with Alzheimer's) and wake him up to go pee and what do I find?  He has woken up early and just peed and shit in the kitchen floor.  And then he had stepped in it.  And kept walking.

I didn't lose it yet.  I was calm and said to myself, "Self, you can just clean this up in just a bit. Get all the dogs out to pee, give the cats their treats and then worry about it."  Then I herded Max outside and went to wake up Ernest T. Bass to go outside.  (I always sing to him "Ernest T. Bass goes pee pee on the grass")

During the 2 - 3 minutes it took me to go get Ernest T. and walk back towards the back door, Nikita had taken a big shit right in the family room.  She had just been outside and walked back inside and shit on my floor.  Bitch.

Ernest T. and I stepped around it and I took him outside and brought Max in and was starting to cuss all these damn animals under my breath.

Then I got the paper towels, spray bottle of cleaner, the swiffer and those wet swiffer sheet things and the trash can and was getting ready to clean up all the floors when my phone rang.

I almost didn't answer it, but I saw on the caller i.d. thing that it was my neighbor, The Colonel.  Since he turned 90 on Easter this year, I wouldn't feel right ducking his call.  What if he or the lovely Miss Betty had fallen or something?

So I answered it.  And he started in telling me this story of how their across the street neighbor had called them to tell them that she had seen a strange looking vehicle pull up in their driveway (The Colonel's driveway) and that a black man had gotten out of the car!!  Then TC & MB dog, Fifi had set up barking and raising cain so the black man had run back to his car and high-tailed it out of there, taking a section of their retaining wall with him.

So far this is a pretty good story since we do tend to keep the neighborhood in the loop of potential burglaries and such.  But then I guess The Col. got comfortable with his story and he started referring to the black man as the n-word.  We all know the word.  I use a lot of words.  I use a lot of really good swear words.  Never do I use that word.  Never.  And it took my poor brain a few seconds to digest the fact that he had in fact, actually said that word.  Out loud.  And assumed that it was okay to use that word with me.



So I hung up and then looked at all the dog shit and piss I had to clean.  And I cleaned it all up and then mopped the floor.

All this BEFORE I had my cup of tea.  BEFORE.

I am now drinking my tea and typing about the shitty morning I have had.  All of which started with that little douchebag Angus MacPhee.  Angus, who likes to sleep all day.  Angus, who takes really long cat naps during the day.  Angus, who will be woken up every chance I get today.  Every time I see that little bastard sleeping I am going to wake him up.  Gleefully!

No sleep for Angus!

How's your morning?

o.m.g. & w.t.f.??

So, the other night it was about 11 p.m. and Sparky and I were watching some shows we had dvred earlier. We were also doing the After Dark Kitty Roundup.  Everyone was in except Stanley Manley.

That's Stanley up there with his one blue eye and his one green eye and his spot on his nose.  He is quite the looker, he is.

Stanley was just chillin' on the front porch and observing whatever goes on at night in our front yard.

When all of a sudden we heard a loud dog barking right up against our front door!  This doesn't happen at our house.  Our dogs never and I mean NEVER go out front.  And we knew Stanley was out there so we were up and Sparky hit that front door like a shot!  I was right behind him.

And we found Stanley up in the flower beds with a pack of 5 large feral mutt dogs clamoring for him.  They quickly realized we meant business and they took off.  We could see them running down the street into the night.  After grabbing up Stanley and pitching him inside we surveyed the area to see what we could see.

I went inside and we checked Stanley over to see if he had any wounds or anything and he seemed to be all there.

The next thing I did was to get on my neighborhood HOA yahoo group site and make a report of the pack of dogs.

In the morning I checked my email and had damn near 20 responses of people who have seen these dogs doing the following:

A. Chasing an early morning jogger (reported by the jogger)

B. Chasing a cat

C. Chasing our neighborhood deer

D. Catching and killing one of the fawn

E. Killing a cat 2 streets over

F. Just this morning, mauling a cat who later died at the emergency vet's office

Now, I don't know about you but this scares the hell out of me.  We have a LOT of older residents who are not-so-swift, shall we say?  We have a fair amount of feral cats that have all been caught, neutered, vaccinated and returned to their locale.  And additionally, we have a lot of early morning walkers, joggers and some are with and without dogs. What I am saying is there are a ton of slow moving and unsuspecting potential victims of this pack of dogs.

Our neighborhood is older and established and has a lot of great hiding places for wildlife.  I have seen many a deer, possum, raccoon, and foxes.  We also have hawks, buzzards, owls and all the smaller birds.  But a pack of dogs that seem to have teamed up and gone feral?

The local Humane Society is right across the road from us.  And people gather up their unwanted pets and take them over there thinking they can just drop them off.  That's not the way they work.  You have to call ahead, you have to have an appt., you have to be there between certain hours and you have to pay or they won't take these poor animals.  And do you think those people are going to make the appointment and take the pets back home and care for them until the appointed day and hour?

Of course NOT!  They come across the street here and dump them in the green space and think they will fend for themselves.  Like a German Shepard or pit bull has ever lived in the wild and will recall how to find food, shelter and defend themselves.  It is interesting that domesticated animals that have no idea how to find food and all that will instinctively band together to form a pack and try to survive that way.

I am scared for my little old neighbor who walks all up and down our street every day looking out for all of us.  I am scared for my around the corner neighbor who has taken in so many abandoned little dogs and cats and walks them every day.  And the little kitties who are just trying to keep body and soul together till the end of their days?  Well, this is horrific for them.  They have no safe place to get indoors.

Everyone has called Animal Control Services, but they are so under-staffed who knows when they will get there.  And when they do?  No one seems to know where the dogs are denning up during the day to sleep to even find them.  This is not a good situation and I don't see a good outcome for those dogs at all.

Have any of you dealt with a similar occurence?  I am not sure what to do except to warn my neighbors with small pets, children and the elderly.

My cats have not been outside since this happened and not for the foreseeable future.  And I was looking into putting something out front for the deer as a water source for them, but I think I better not.  As much as I want to help them through this drought, it would be easy for the dogs to use it as an ambush location. And that would just kill me.  Dead.  Good Lord, this is just horrific.

Any ideas?

Saving Private MacPhee

There is always something going on around here.  Even days when you think it is as routine and boring as it can be, there is something that will turn interesting.

So, Saturday was shaping up to be a pretty ordinary day.  Other than the fact that I had no car, due to it being in the shop resting and awaiting diagnosis (hopefully today!), it was just a grocery shopping and waiting for my Rachel Pie day.

Finally, my Rachel Pie got here late in the evening and we were all staying up late talking and happy to have her here and I started counting heads as I am wont to do with this herd and found one missing.

And of course, it was that sneaky weasly Angus MacPhee.

I stepped out the front door and called him.  And I heard him saying "Mrowrrrr!" in the distance and thought it was from the roof.  So I went in and told Sparky to get his ass up on the roof and get that fleabag cat.  Sparky contended that if Angus got himself up there he could also get himself back down.

Back outside I go.  I call and he answers, much like a not-very-fun game of Marco Polo.  And it becomes clear that Angus MacPhee is NOT on the roof.  He is further away and lower to the ground.


He is stuck somewhere on The Colonel and Miss Betty's property!!!


If you haven't heard my tales of TC&MB, you need to read about them.  But having my cat who is MOST unwelcome on their property stuck there late at night was not going to be a good situation.

After several scouting expeditions by Mr. Big Ed, Sparky, and myself carrying a flashlight and hoping not to get shot while being mistaken for a burglar, we determined that The Colonel had set a trap next to his front door and that damn fleabag Angus MacPhee had gone and gotten himself trapped!

I was none too happy about this.  But I was to get even LESS happy with Mr. Big Ed's response which was to let him sit in the trap overnight and cry all night.

Seriously?  How can he think this was an option?  Has the man never met me?  You spend 30-odd years with someone and you think they would have a clue.  Hhmmmpph.

So I did what any sane person would do.  I called Miss Betty at the midnight hour and woke her ass up and asked her to please go release my stupid wandering cat.  She made some sort of half-assed excuse about how they are trying to trap skunks.  But truthfully, she was trying to be nice about saying "Keep that damn bird-killer at your own house".

Anyhoo, Angus MacPhee is now safe at home and he wanted to be loved and patted and stroked and talked to for HOURS afterwards.

I went over the next day (Easter Sunday and also The Colonel's 90th birthday) and took them a basket full of lettuce, greens, Swiss chard, zucchini and green onions that Mr. Big Ed picked out of the garden to apologize for waking them in the middle of the night.

The Colonel took me out to where the trap is to show me what the deal is.  Miss Betty has this family of wrens that like to build nests in her front porch area and this year they put their nest in a giant Boston fern and they have 5 little teeny baby wrens they are trying to get grown and safe.  So I promised to keep all my stupid bird-killing machines indoors for a while to give these little guys a better chance at making it to adulthood.

For my end I think the neighborly bonds are still good.  I hope TC & MB feel the same way.  They are nice people.  And it is true what they say about not being able to pick your neighbors.  And also that good fences make good neighbors.

I am mostly grateful that I didn't get shot that night while skulking around their property.

Front Porch Sittin'

Who sings that country song "Where I come from, lots of front porch sittin'"?  Isn't it Alan Jackson?  He is one handsome, tall drink of water, as people say.  Let's have a look, shall we?

Yep, it's five o'clock somewhere.

Anyhoo . . . .   Back to the front porck sittin' issue.  My house doesn't have a front porch, which saddens me greatly.  I love a porch.  Or a veranda.  Or a patio.  Or a lanai.  Or a courtyard.  Whatever you want to call an outdoor house-adjacent sitting and rocking spot.  I like 'em.

We have a huge backyard with a nice table, chairs and a shade umbrella.  But there's something about sitting out front and waving and saying Hey to the neighbors that is appealing.

Our front yard is also huge.  It might be huger than the backyard, but I have no way of knowing that because I am the world's worst person at spacial perception.  Never let me try to pack your leftovers away in Tupperware, because I will pick the wrong size 48 times and we will have to wash out those other 47 containers.

So back to the huge front yard.  It is bisected by a large semi-circular driveway.  So there is a part that is next to the street that has a stand of live oak trees in the middle.  And there is the section from the driveway up to the house.  That section is cut down the middle by the sidewalk steps that lead up to the house.  This means that there are basically 3 sections to the front yard.  Y'all still with me here?

There are a couple of spots that I have been looking at for possibilities for front yard sitting.  One down in the middle of the stand of trees.  But this is where we hang the hammock so maybe not the best choice.  Then there is a nice flat area under a couple of trees over on the right.  That is the spot I have chosen.

We went down and bought this patio table and chair set that I had been watching in the circulars for some time.  It is a really nice set and seems very sturdy and comfortable.  I will get outside and take some pics of it so you can see what I am talking about.

Last year I had bought Mr. Big Ed a couple of the coolest solar lanterns to hang in the trees you have ever seen.  And he has let those boxes just sit there for months!  Hasn't done a damn thing with them.  So I got them out and hung them in the tree right by the new table and chairs.

Here is a pic of the new lanterns

This photo is from the website of the company that makes these gorgeous things, but these are exactly the two I bought.  And let me tell you how fabulous those silk lanterns look all on their own without the light shining through them.  They are gorgeous!

And since I am bragging on this company, here is a link to their site.  They have all sorts of beautiful solar lanterns.  I think I need about 4 more of them.  They really are spectacular.  Check them out, I think you will like their goods.

Now that I am getting my little front porch sittin' area together, we are using it every single day.  Mr. Big Ed and I have been taking our giant mugs o'tea out there and sitting with the newspaper on Sunday mornings.  And now you know where I am when I am reading the obits!  (It always comes back to the obit reading, doesn't it?)

and in other news . . . .

So this morning I was perusing the news and what did I find?  An article about zebras.  Zebras that belong to the Hearst family and live at the Hearst Castle.  That's interesting, right?

There they are!  Zebras are awfully cute, aren't they?  Made me wonder if they could be domesticated and used like horses.  You know, to pull a buggy or put a saddle on them and ride them.  Or if they run fast and wanted to race.  (They do need to outrun the occasional lion, you know!)

According to the article when Mr. William Randolph Hearst built the castle way back in the day, he populated the grounds with lots of wild animals.  And why wouldn't he?  So the zebras who are there now are the descendants of the original zebras. (Really?  Really?  Did they need to explain that to us?  Would we be thinking they had gone off the hill and mated with some low-class local from the hood zebras?  Of course!! They are descendants of the original zebras!  There ARE no local zebras)  Ye Gads!

The article goes on to state that three of the Hearst zebras took off and were shot by neighbors.  wtf?

William Randolph Hearst's great-grandson, Steve Hearst, said the ranchers should have called the Hearst Ranch to report the runaway zebras.

"Neighbors are usually there to help their neighbors, not shoot their zebras," Hearst said. "It's a shame they took that action."

Words to live by, people.  "Neighbors are usually there to help their neighbors, not shoot their zebras." I can't tell you how many times that thought has crossed my mind and also come up in conversation. Bah!!

Then we further read that the dickhead neighbor not only shot the zebras but he took them to a taxidermy place to have the hides tanned.  "No point in wasting the hides" he said.  Hmmmpphh.

All I am going to say about that is that Karma can be a bitch, Mr. Zebra shooting, hide stealing neighbor man.  Shame, shame, shame.

If any of my neighbors' pets, be they zebras or aardvarks or dogs, were to meander over to my property I can promise you that the absolute LAST thing in my mind would be to shoot said critter and tan its hide for my own personal gain.  

Latest phone call from The Colonel

Is there anyone here who remembers the on-going saga of The Colonel and his fence?  Well, if you are interested in reading about that, look to the right and go down to the label "Neighbors" or "fences" or whatever label I put on this exciting event.

But a quick little background to this is that when we bought this house 5 years ago (right after the Queen and King B were married!!)  we met our next door neighbors who we refer to as The Colonel and Miss Betty. TC & MB are lovely people.  They are retired military, he went to Westpoint and then served in WWII, Korea and Viet Nam.  When they retired they decided to stay here rather than move back to the south where they are from.  And this neighborhood was just being built and if you just hold still long enough The Colonel will tell you all. about. the building of his house and then the subsequent building of the rest of the houses.  Here is an interesting little aside, TC & MB have been married 66 years.  They built their retirement home here back in 1973.  Now, that was the first time it ever occurred to me that anyone would live the largest part of their life in their RETIREMENT HOME!  Have you ever thought that?  It was quite the eye-opener for me.

Anyhoo, they have really interesting stories about their travels and what all he did in WWII and where all they have lived.  But as it is with lots of people whose kids, grandkids and even great-grandkids have grown and gone, it's hard to visit with them for just a few minutes.  They are thirsty for conversation and you just can't deliver a piece of their mail that was accidentally in your mailbox and say hey.  No, you will be there for close to an hour.  And the same is true for phone messages they leave you.  They are, shall we say, long-winded?

Don't get me wrong, we love TC & MB.  You just have to plan around phone calls and visits to them because they will take forever.  For ev er.  

So yesterday, Mr. Big Ed sends me an email that has a Google voice-to-text message he received from TC.  Have you done Google voice-to-text?  WTF?  Talk about convoluted interpretations!

Here is the message I received:

Yeah. Hi Ed. Hello, this is al
Message Next. So your yeah, Re,
Martin on those out of a house. Yeah
so young lady over here today. Bye.
Yeah, tell us the There you are man.
Yeah, I think you over a a rattle
snake, yet those cactus pushers in
front of our house between houses.
This is a very serious thing because
we have available. Hey in any a
rattle snakes in this neighborhood.
Bye. Yeah and rattle snake. She
lives in families. Yeah, I think you
over notice. Your talk about it. You
can call me, but that's all I know.
Yeah, I'm not sure. Ohh that it
wants a rattle snake, but I had them
question. The yard man. Yeah, it'll
bye yo out quantities salt water
laws yo. Probably it may have been
yeah a rattle snake. Okay bye. 


(This is what Google Voice does with a strong Southern accent.  Imagine what international messages must be like.)


Rattlesnake, hmm?  Do you think Mr. Big Ed rushed to call TC right back and find out what the hell this was all about?  No he did not.  Who thinks he is too busy to spend an hour or so on that little conversation?  Mr. Big Ed?  Yes, indeedy.  


We have 4 cats that like to roam outside every afternoon. Who should have been worrying about whether our cats might get snakebit?  Mr. Big Ed?


As near as I can figure it out, TC's yard guy found a snake in a cactus patch that sits between TC and his neighbor on the other side and no one seems to know whether or not it was a rattle snake.  Now, if you were in question about this detail, wouldn't you just see if it had a rattle?  I am no expert, but that would be the first thing I would do if I had doubts.  


A few years ago I noticed our dearly departed older King of the House, Gato Pato, was stalking something at the base of one of the big oak trees and I went out there to see what he was doing.  He had chased a snake up the tree and was guarding it and I guess forcing it to stay there.  So I rushed in and called the Wildlife Rescue place and asked about what kind of snakes climb trees and whether or not my Gato Pato was in danger and risking his life to save us all.  Turns out snakes that climb trees are called, Tree Snakes!  gasp!  Tree Snakes. 


They also told me that if I have tree snakes, I probably don't have rats and vermin.  They are the good wildlife you want to stay on your property.  And no, they won't bother fat housecats.  But let me tell you that the tree snake that Gato had treed that day was all mottled brown similar to a rattlesnake.  So, my guess is that if The Colonel has lived in that house for 30+ years and has never seen a rattler, it most likely won't start happening now.


I was going to be really clever and show you pictures of a brown tree snake and a rattlesnake side by side.  But as I looked at tree snake pictures online, you know what I found?  There are literally HUNDREDS of kinds of tree snakes!!  Hundreds!  In every conceivable color.  So, trust me, the one we had was your basic mottled patterned brown like you would expect a rattlesnake to be.


I will probably clear some time out of my calendar and go over and talk to TC & MB and see what happened.  I will let you know if I find out anything interesting.  And I will be kind and give you the shortened Readers Digest version.  : )

What Hermine left behind in her wake

Hermine the Hurricane, and who exactly is it that decides the names of these storms?  Hermine?  Really?  That's the best H-name they could come up with?  Hailey?  Hannah?  Hildegarde? Harriet? Hilda?

Hermine was predicted to head over to the northern part of Mexico, right at the area where they just found a mass grave with 72 people, you know, just in case those poor people hadn't already had enough drama and upset in their lives from all the Drug Land Mafia Turf Wars.  And at the last second, Hermine said to herself, "Self, I think I will spare that part of Mexico and just head inland over Texas and up to Oklahoma and come to rest in Wichita, Kansas".  And here in central Texas we have been slammed, and I mean, slammed with wind and rain.  Gusts up to 60 mph and the whole storm moving at 18 - 20 mph.  It took a long-ass time to make its way across here, is what I am saying.

And other than a lot of flooding, downed branches and leaves and debris everywhere, our only problem was that the power had gone out.  It was out for about 12 hours here at our house.  Other places had it much worse.  When Mr. Big Ed got home from work he said "What's with the big tree laying down in the street?"  So of course we all go running outside to see the tree and then I ran right back in and got my camera.  It seems that our across-the-street-and down-one-house neighbors' biggest and most beautiful oak tree just fell over.  It didn't crack or anything like that, it just tipped right over.  Right over the middle of the street, thankfully, and not over their house.  I would much prefer to have to find an alternate route in and out of the neighborhood than for them to have a big hole in their home with another night full of thunderstorms and no power coming at us.

Here is what it looked like:

Doesn't that just break your heart?  Keep watching.

I made my friend Vanna  Debra go stand next to the tree top that is now laying across the street so that you could have some perspective.  Now, how sad is that?

It gets worse.  Here is the aftermath:

Sorry about the car door in the last 2 aftermath pics.  Heartbreaking is what this is.

Our neighborhood is known for the multitude of live oaks on every property, and that one was one of the prettiest on theirs.  So sad.  Another casualty of Mother Nature and her fury.

Nosy Neighbors

You know the ones.  The neighbor that knows all the interesting stuff going on in everyone else's driveways.  Front yards.  Through the front windows.  And wishes they could be a fly on the wall inside those homes just for a few harmless minutes to find out wth is going on.  Those neighbors.

When we were looking at this house to buy it five years and two months ago, the then-home owners told us about the across the street neighbor who was basically the neighborhood spy.  We were thrilled!  If you want a safe house, where better to be than right in front of the guy who is checking out every person that drives down the street, or better yet happens to stop.  You would pay a fortune for that kind of security detail.  This was a huge plus in our book.

Turns out, there is not just one neighborhood spy on our street.  There is another!  Oh. My.

It just gets interesting-er and more interesting-er.  This person likes to check things out too.  Only not as up front about it as the other one.  This one actually has binoculars.  This means spying can be done from longer distances and in more of a stealth mode, don't you know!

The binocular-wearing neighborhood spy claims bird watching as a hobby.  And let's be fair, there are a ton of birds here to watch.  Tons of birds.  All sorts of birds.  If you had a catalog of all the birds in North America, this would be the place to find 80 - 90% of them.

And the original neighborhood spy?  He is the sweetest, kindest person ever. He patrols our street all the time, he helps neighbors bring their giant trash bins up and down the driveways, he rescues loose dogs and cats, he brings water and cokes to workmen who are doing jobs at other people's homes. (and of course, he tells them how to do that job better, more efficiently, or faster)

And I hope to be as good a neighborhood spy as he is when I get older.  For now, I will just take my binoculars to the backyard and watch the hawks making low, slow, lazy circles as they scan the neighborhood for prey.

Love,
Gladys Kravitz II - in training

T.V. shows 2010 Part 4

Wasn't yesterday's April Fool's post about Jesse James funny?  I don't normally like to laugh at someone else's misfortune, but let's face it, he deserves it.  What a douche.

On to t.v. updates!

Survivor - OMG I am soooooo pissed.  That idiot Evil Villains Tribe is decimating themselves and who will be left standing?  Cockroaches and Evil Russell, that's who.  Poor Boston Rob, he thought he knew where everyone stood regarding alliances, etc.  But no.  Well, now he can go home and be with Amber and their new baby.  I wonder if they get some sort of psychological counseling before they re-enter society?  Meanwhile over at the Heroes camp, way to step it up Colby!  I love that guy.  He is really an honorable person, isn't he?

AR - I was truly sad to see Jeff & Jordan go.  Especially going BEFORE that idiot Caite and her boyfriend!  Those two are so dumb and so mean to each other!  And our poor little cowboys are now in last place.  Come on cowboys!  You can do it!

Saving Grace - You could have knocked me over with a feather when I looked at my dvr list and there was a brand new Saving Grace episode.  I had no idea that it was starting back right now.  I had read somewhere that they are going to wrap things up this season and finish it.  And the way Grace is going it sure looks to be that way.  I have really enjoyed this series.  Way to go Holly Hunter!  Go out on a high note!

Real World DC - They finished up yet another boring season of RW.  Even though this was the typical young people acting like fools, drinking too much, hooking up too much, NEVER CLEANING!, etc, they stepped out a bit by showing them doing some good work at non-profits and trying to pursue some career avenues.  And I loved the ending where they showed a lot of photos of them in the house and around town. That was really nice.

Now let me back track for just one minute.  What is the deal with the non-cleaning?  There are eight people living under one roof and they are all slobs?  Not one of them want to clean up after themselves.  Not one of them think they should take out the garbage.  They are getting to live in a fabulous house that they would otherwise never get to see, much less live in and the best they can do is trash it and act like fools?  Shame on them.  I bet their mamas are all embarrassed.

Castle - Wow.  Just wow.  They are really getting interesting on this show.  It is so good.  And I love that Nathan Fillian (sp???) He is a doll!  His mama and his daughter are wonderful.  It is a great show.

Modern Family - Hands down, this is the best new show on t.v.  Hysterical.  Love, love, love it!

Tool Academy - Praise the Lord!  Ding Dong the witch is dead!!  Hooray that nasty Jennavecia is gone! I don't like her.  I didn't ever believe a word that came out of her mouth.  I never trusted her motives for being there.  And the longer I watched it the more I was concerned about Kyle's sanity and good sense.  I think that boy might not be right.  What could he possibly be thinking?  Run, Kyle, Run!!!

Breaking Bad - the new season has come back with a vengeance!  You just can never tell what is going to happen next.

United States of Tara - new season just started back up.  And after several months of no alters showing themselves, Buck is back!  And Buck has the hots for Joey Lauren Adams!  Poor Tara just "thinks" she has never had sex with a woman before.  She might not have, but Buck is certainly getting busy and using her body!

Biggest Loser - No real surprises on who goes home.  However . . . .   Can you even believe that they brought back that Evil Woman from Texas?  Gawd, how it shames me that Melissa is from Texas!  There's another one that makes me question Lance's sanity.  She is just Bad News Bears, is what she is.

I know I am forgetting something really good.  But my brain is just only retaining a certain amount of information.  This is mostly due to 1/2 of it being pre-occupied with Ernest T. Bass and his continual barking at The Colonel!  If he doesn't STFU I am going to squirt him in the face with the water bottle!  Ye Gads!  Shut Up Ernest T.!  Flea bag dog.

Now that I said something negative about Ernest T, I have to say a positive to even out the karma.  My friend Debra has a cute little dog named Ronald who goes by the name of Ronnie.  Anyhoo, she takes Ronnie to classes on Saturday to learn agility and stuff that keeps his little brain occupied so that he doesn't get into trouble.  That's how it is with these overly smart dogs.  So she was showing me that Ronnie can twirl and "touch".  This is what you do when you want them to learn to touch your hand with their nose.  Then you can gradually move up to putting your hand on light switches and having them turn them on and off.  Things of that nature.

So yesterday I decided that Ernest T. is certainly smart enough to learn to do that.  I don't think he would like to learn to twirl, but he could do "touch".  We sat down with a box full of small treats and I showed him what I wanted him to do.  For 30 minutes he resisted (like he always does because he is the most stubborn dog on the planet) and then all the sudden the light bulb went on and he touched my hand. I moved my hand higher and higher and he still does it just right.  We switch back and forth between "Shake" and "touch" and he never misses.  Isn't he the most clever boy you ever heard of?  Clever and a bark-aholic, but still very clever.  : )

Today is Good Friday and I wish you all a very happy Easter weekend filled with the joy of the holiday and lots of family to share it with.  Oh, and some eggs and some Peeps!!

Truth in advertising

My sister saw this and sent it to me. Hmmm? Any guess as to why she would think of me?

I just thought it was funny as hell! Feel free to reproduce these for your own personal use. :)

Fenceline update

That's little Ernest T. Bass sitting there looking all cute and handsome. Notice that he is being quiet and not barking like a barkaholic idiot.

I know, you have all been sitting by your computers on the edge of your seats just waiting for the next installment in the Saga of the Fence. So here goes!!

The new (and not improved) chain link fence, is chain link two words or chainlink one word? I don't really know, so I am using chain link here. Anyhoo, the chain link fence has caused Mr. Ernest T. Bass to go ballistic and act like a damn fool every. single. flipping. time The Colonel goes outside. What a maroon! That's Ernest T. that is the maroon, not T.C. Just wanted to be clear on that. I was not disparaging The Colonel.

We thought it would get better with time. You know, after a few weeks of seeing T.C. out there it would just become part of the routine. But guess what? Nope, not so much. I spend an inordinate amount of time going outside and yelling "Ernest T. Bass! STFU!! Quit being an idiot!" and then squirting him in the face with a water bottle. The water bottle is the thing I learned from the dog trainer to do when we say "No". Said water bottle has a bit of either lemon juice or vinegar in it and dogs (and cats) don't like it and will most anything to NOT get squirted. Even to the extreme of doing, gasp, what you tell them!! Shocking, I know.

But since we implemented the squirt bottle all I have to do is pick it up and whichever of the critters is doing offensive behavior stops immediately and heads for the hills so that the evil lemon water doesn't hit them. It's really pretty funny. Back to the fence saga . . . . . .

Today was exceptionally bad with all the barking, tail wagging, fence line running and general carrying-on. So I trotted out there for the 4th time with squirt bottle in hand and yelled at Ernest T, "Ernest T. quit carrying on and being a moron!" And what did I spy? What did I spy moving there in the deep, thick bamboo forest?

The Colonel! He was creeping around in the bamboo trying to snake a soaker hose in and out and all around it. He is actually worried that his water-hogging forest of bamboo might die off in this drought! Personally, I think after the apocolypse all the bamboo will be right there along with the cockroaches, dog pecker gnats, styrofoam, disposable diapers and pushy Amway salesmen.

Here's the deal: the grass is dead. The shrubs are dead. The garden has been dead for months now. Our gorgeous 100 year old oak trees are stressed and not doing well. But the bamboo, it's green and tall and still creeping into my property. Note that I said property. I didn't say yard, or lawn because there IS NO LAWN!! No grass.

Tonight is the once weekly time that he can water his lawn. So I guess he was preparing to water and save his bamboo forest. Oh, but I almost forgot to tell you the best part of this!

He told me that every day he when he is out in the back yard Ernest T. runs over and barks at him and then he gives him a treat!!! Every time he barks at him he gives him a treat? Does anyone else think this is exactly the opposite of what you want to do IF you are trying to get a dog to quit doing something? Or a child. Or a husband. Or whomever. I don't reward bad behavior. So poor little Ernest T. Bass is getting mixed messages. He barks, I yell at him and squirt him in the face and The Colonel gives him treats. Not a good situation, wouldn't you agree? Aaaarrrrggghh!!!

Random thoughts

When I last posted it was Saturday and I know you have been anxiously waiting with baited breath to find out how my a/c saga turned out. Can you even believe that Mr. Big Ed called the a/c guys to see if there was anything they could do or recommend? Me neither, but he did. And can you further believe that they sent someone over to fix my a/c? At 8 p.m. on Saturday night! On the 4th of July! He was here during prime fireworks shooting time! Now that is some job dedication, people!

He got it up and running and I was so grateful. Now I have to figure out how to fix the ceiling in the laundry room that has huge gross rusty water stains on it and replace the light fixture that had water running in it. I am really leary of that fixture now because after it dried I turned it on and a weird smell and some smoke came out from around one of the bulbs. That does not seem to be normal behavior for a light fixture. I think the ceiling needs to be replaced but Mr. Big Ed thinks we just need to scrape the cottage cheese crap off and re-paint it. I don't think that's right. But I will do some research to find out what really needs to happen.

Oh, I need to post some photos of the new lovely chain link fence too! Nothing like going in the backyard early in the a.m. in my nightgown to let the dogs go pee and look over and there's the Colonel! Hey Colonel! It's just me in my gown. Me and squatting dogs.

Speaking of The Colonel, yesterday me and Sparky were sitting on the front steps enjoying the morning view and he says to me, "Mama, look over there" pointing in the direction of TC & MB's house. So I did. And what do you think we spy? THREE GIANT TURKEY BUZZARDS!! That's what. These ginormous turkey buzzards were roosting on a big tree branch that runs parallel to the ground. They were all facing north (away from us). Odd buzzard behavior. So I called TC & MB and no answer. That meant I had to go over there and scope out their yard for dead critters and such to see why the turkey buzzards were there. Actually there was a 4th buzzard on a different branch acting as a lookout. Nothing dead there. All we could figure is they were en route to some other place and just stopped for a breather.

The whole time watching the turkey buzzards I kept thinking about the scene in the Jungle Book where the buzzard/vulture guys are talking in their British accents "Whatcha want to do today?" "Oh I dunno, what YOU want to do?" "Oh, I dunno, what YOU want to do?" Back and forth like that. Ha!

My Gato Pato has perked right up with all his drugs and seems to be very happy and alert. The kids are saying he's "on the juice" what with all the steroids and such. Poor Gato! To be old and sick and now he is being libeled!

I have 2 clients who are due in the next couple of weeks so that is exciting! Looking forward to their births. Both babies will be welcomed into very loving families. Woo Hoo!!

And now I am off to do laundry. Oh the joy of weekly chores. Be still my heart.