January 15, 1938

January 15, 1938 is my Papa's birthday.  I have written about him several times and if you want to, you can go here to read the other times and see the photos.

Today would have been his 74th birthday, and you know, 74 isn't really all that old.  And that makes it all the harder to deal with the fact that he died just weeks after his 57th birthday.  57.

The closer I get to 57 the more I realize how young it really is.  You know how that goes.

So while everyone else is out celebrating the birth of Martin Luther King and having big grand marches in his honor (believe it or don't, the largest MLK march takes place here. Isn't that amazing?)  and enjoying having a day off tomorrow, I have a higher priority in remembering my Papa and what all I learned from him.  My kids were only 8 and 9 when he died and they are the oldest of his grandchildren, so it is really important to me that I keep telling them things about him so that they know.  My sisters' kids are a bit younger and I don't think have too many real memories of time with him.

It's sad that it only takes 2 generations before the stories are all that is left of a life well-lived and well-loved.

I take this as a constant reminder to spend quality one-on-one, look-you-in-the-eyes time with people. I don't ever want to leave things left unspoken. I would like for people who know me to know that what they get with me is the real me, no holding back, no polite fakeness and hopefully no regrets.

Papa

Today would be my Papa's 73rd birthday.  He only made it to 57 and a couple of weeks.  He has been on my mind a lot this past week or so.

We used to have 5 generations of family alive.  My great-grandmother, my grandma, Papa, me and my kids.  My dad died in 1995 and not long after that his grandmother died and just this past November my grandma passed away.  That leaves me as the oldest generation on that side of the family.  How the hell did that happen?  I don't remember graduating up from the "kids' table", much less to the head of the family.


Here is a little retrospective of my Papa through the years.  The first is of he and I when I was 4 1/2 months old (apparently my mama was quite specific about the age I was in my baby pics) and this would have been right after his 21st birthday.  My son and 2 of my nephews really favor Papa and while I look a lot like him, I am a little more like my grandma.

This next one is a picture of my dad from before I was born that was in my house all my life.  It was in one of those double frames hinged together in the middle with another photo of my mama from about the same time period in the other side.  So he must have been about 18 when this was taken.  You can tell that he had very dark hair, but what you can't see is that he had the most beautiful shade of dark navy blue eyes.  All those good black Irish genes coming through!

This next one is from 1985 and is of my dad and my son together.  That day he had just popped over in the middle of the day to visit and get to hold Jonathon.  See how his shirt pockets are stuffed with papers on the right side and his left one has a pen?  Every day he loaded up his shirt pockets and that was how he stayed organized.

Look at them here really talking and looking like they connected and understood each other.  So sweet it melts my heart.

And finally here is one of 4 generations; my grandma holding my baby, me and Papa.

Happy Birthday Papa.  I miss you every day.

Father's Day

Tomorrow is Father's Day.  My Papa passed away 15 years ago, then 7 months later my step-father also died.  Both of them died of colon cancer gone to the liver.  How strange is that?  They would both get the same cancer months apart and then die just a few months apart as well.

I still have my father-in-law.  He is probably the most honorable man I have ever met.  Not a judgmental or mean bone in his body.  He will have 2 of his 4 children plus 4 of his grandkids with him tomorrow to celebrate Father's Day.

Both of our kids are off road-tripping and camping right now and so we will be postponing our Father's Day celebration till they arrive.  When they do get here it will be just about Mr. Big Ed's birthday so he will get double celebrating and gifts!

My grandpas are both long gone, and I miss them.  I have a few memories of 2 of my great-grandpas.  My mama tells me about one of the other ones who did meet me when I was just a baby, but I don't really remember that.

I am thankful for all my uncles who have served as supportive surrogate fathers for all of us.

Happy Father's Day to all the men out there who are guiding and teaching kids, their own and the others they might not even realize they are helping!

Feelings, whoa, whoa, Feelings

Real feelings, not the ones from that cheesy damn song.  Yes, indeedy, it has been Feeling Central around here.  Lots of things happening to bring up feelings.

First up, my aunt sent me an email (which I have not responded to yet but only because I am totally unsure of what to say) in which she recounted her meeting a person that used to cut my Papa's hair.  My dad was her older brother.  She is my dad's younger sister and is exactly 1 year and 4 months to the day older than me, so we have always been more like cousins.  Anyhoo, she met the hairdresser person who on learning of my aunt's relationship with my dad, her brother, proceeded to tell her this story of how she and my dad had been discussing spirituality and heaven and all that stuff when my dad was near the end of his life.  They agreed that whoever went first would come back and let the other one know what was what.  Her story goes that about six months after my Papa had died, she felt his presence in the room and he was letting her know that he was alright and that heaven really does exist.  It was  quite a powerful experience for her.  And now 15 years later she shared with his sister, who has now shared it with me.  Let me tell you that this does bring up some strong feelings.

Then, I was speaking with someone who started sharing some really intense personal matters (that I am not at liberty to share) and it has started me thinking and trying to figure out what I can do to help.  Other than to just "be there" and let her talk, I am not really sure how to be of service here.

And I got an email from Classmates.com asking me to renew my Gold Membership that I had let lapse about a year or more ago.  I have received many of these emails over time and just deleted them.  But this one said "you have 2 messages in your inbox, don't you want to see what Jim and Scott have to say?"  Well, Scott is my friend who died in December so yes, I do want to see what his last email to me had to say.  So I got out my credit card and ponied up the 9.95 and opened my inbox to read this final email from my good friend.  And I sobbed and sobbed.  I had been trying to work up a heartfelt letter for his brother since I heard that he had died 5 months ago and every time I tried, I just cried and couldn't do it.  Literally, I had tears flowing and couldn't see the screen or the keys to type.  But, I took this last message to mean "Get off your ass and send something nice to his grieving family!" and so I did.  It was really hard, but I did do it.  I really hope it was received in the same way it was meant.

My daughter, the lovely, talented and clever Rachel Pie, is at a crossroads in her life and is unsure of making decisions on which way to go.  I really hope that I am giving her advice that is for her benefit and not my own.  I know she questions that.  Is Mama telling me this because it is what she wants me to do or because she really feels it would be the best choice?  I am really bending over backwards here to see things from all sides, but it is not so easy when it is your own precious baby child out there.  That is the truth!

Now that I have laid all these feelings and emotions out there, I am going to wish you all a beautiful and loving Mother's Day weekend.  Please, tell people you love them.  Don't wait.  Don't live your lives with regret over what you didn't do, what you could have done, what you should have said.  Do it now, say it now, and remember to get your 12 hugs a day.  That's what you need for optimum mental health, 12 hugs a day.  Get out there and hug people.  Hug them like you mean it.  None of that bend at the waist, barely lean in and just 3 pats on the back like Oprah does.  I hate that crap.  If you are going to hug, put your whole self in it and just really BE with that person for that amount of time.  Trust me, a good hug goes a LONG way!

Happy Mother's Day!  Feel those feelings, people!

My Dad

If I start this out saying my Dad was the nicest person I will ever know, you might not believe me.  If I took a poll of everyone who knew him and asked them I would bet dollars to donuts they would all agree with me.

It's January so I always start out the year thinking of him more than usual.  Today would have been his and my step-mother's wedding anniversary.  Friday will be his birthday and 3 weeks later will be the anniversary of his death.  My Dad died young, he had just past his 57th birthday.  How sad is that?  To die that young and in the prime of your life.

I am not here to get all sad, maudlin, and depressing.  It is more my intention to celebrate his life and share some random memories.  So here goes!

~ Animals adored my Dad.  It didn't matter dog, cat, bird, hamster, whatever.  They all loved him.  It didn't matter whose pet it was supposed to be, they all ended up attached to him anyway.  Animals have good instincts about people.

~ My Dad was a kind person.  Anyone who came to him in need was given a job.  He felt it helped their spirit to work as much as the money helped their physical needs.

~ From him I learned to work for what I wanted.  I learned to give an honest day's work for a day's pay. Don't cheat the boss.  I learned to be proud of what I had.  If your clothes were clean and ironed, that meant more than if they were new.  It showed you had pride in your belongings and your appearance.

~ His philosophy was to save up, pay cash and ask for a discount.  Always ask for a discount.  Or ask to barter if you don't have the cash.

~ He would always try to fix or repair anything with what he had on hand with advice from people he trusted before he would spend money on repairs.  When we were young we would laugh about how Papa tried to fix things.  But as I grew up and had my own home, he is the one I called to ask how to fix the hot water heater or the disposal.  If he didn't know, he always knew someone who did.

~ Every payday he was there with his hand out insisting that half went into a savings account (which was really a pocket calendar)  Then when that rainy day came and the car needed repairs, the money was  already available.  He was saying "Pay yourself first" long before it was popular.

~My Dad sang all the time.  Not real songs.  Just singing along with whatever he was doing.  I do this all the time.

~My Dad was adventurous.  He liked to hunt, go fishing, travel, camp, he learned to scuba dive.  When we moved to Guadalajara, he came to visit.  But he wanted to drive down and follow the route we took so he would see all the sites along the way.  He didn't ask us for directions, he would stop and just ask people where he needed to go next.

~Papa was a talker.  Oh. My. God.  He was a talker.  He could talk to anyone and I mean ANYONE.  He always found commonalities.  A trip to a convenience store to buy one item would take most people 10 minutes top.  When we would sit in the car and wait when he went in to get one item it could easily be half an hour.  And we would tease him when he got back "What was the cashier's name?  Social security number?  Which of her relatives or neighbors do you know?"  This was one of his gifts and why he was such a successful businessman; he could relate to anyone.  And this was not a cheesy learned thing to try and win people over, this was his nature.

~ Slow and patient are two words that describe him well.  He drove slow and that is putting it mildly. One day he was taking me and my cousin some place and I swear we were going 10 or 15 miles per hour.  So I said to her "why don't you hop out and run ahead and tell them we will be there soon?" Ha!  Oh, we laughed and teased him about how slow he drove!  He really had to be patient to put up with us, that's for sure!

~  My Dad was a hard worker.  I don't remember him ever NOT working.  He worked full time and sometimes had a weekend job to help make ends meet.  He would take on extra work at night (moonlighting they called it) when he could.  He never complained about this in front of us kids.  We never did without.   When my Grandpa developed heart problems and needed to retire, my Dad quit his job, moved 600 miles, took all their money and bought Grandpa's business and kept it running.  Because it was important to his father.  When he became sick years later my husband and I tried to do the same for him and he wouldn't hear of it.  One of his friends bought the business in my Dad's last months and 15 years later it is still doing well.

This coming Friday would have been his 72nd birthday, and it is almost 15 years since he died.  And I still think of him almost every day.  It doesn't seem right to me that he is really gone.  I will raise a glass and raise a prayer to my Papa and hope that I am somehow doing him proud.  He was a good man.  And what better thing can people say about you at the end of your life?