It sometimes helps me to recall what has been going on in my life and remember things. Like, hey, when did I buy my last mattress? Because the one we have now sucks and has developed great valleys with a giant hill in the middle. So I come here to my blog and find the post where I got my mattress and remember.
This post is to remind me of things when in the future I want to know what the hell happened in 2019.
1. Since my last couple of posts were about me being depressed this would be a good place to update that situation to say that I am seeing a new therapist and am going to start EMDR treatment this week. Woo hoo! Something positive. I started therapy in April and it's a lot. So, what I have been doing is scheduling my acupuncture for right after therapy as a way to settle things down and rejoin the world afterwards.
2. Yes, my mattress needs to be replaced. So, I am going to our local home-grown company to get my mattress from them. They use local Texas grown cotton and make them right here employing Texans. We try to all eat local farm-to-table food, why not support other local companies? The Cantwell mattress company has made 5 mattresses for me already and I had been looking forward to when this bed crapped out and could get a new one. They will make them for you with the mattress and the box spring any height you want!!! Just think, you don't have to have the gigantic 21 inch thick behemoth that you need a ladder to climb on to! I want a traditional 2-sided mattress that you can flip every few months and vacuum to keep it fresh and fluffed. Oh! At Cantwell's they also will come get your mattress if you feel it's getting packed down and not as fluffy and they take the top off and refluff the cotton stuff and whatever else needs doing in there and then bring it back as good as new. Yes, it does cost more than the other places, but it's worth it to me to be able to use all my lovely vintage sheets that don't fit on those new giant mattresses. Plus, it's so much easier to change the bed when you don't have to pull your back out just to lift the corner. I am very excited about this purchase.
3. In the world of politics, the Democratic candidates, of which there are 20!!!, are already holding debates to try and clarify their positions and weed out the ones who really aren't going to make it. 20. It's hard to know which ones to support at this point. I do NOT want a repeat of 2016 where both parties crammed a shitty candidate down our throats and said, this is the one you get. And then the one with the popular vote didn't even win, anyway. Something has to change with the way we elect people here. It needs to be fair and be the will of the people, not the heads of the 2 major parties.
4. I have taken a step back from my doula work due to the damn sinus infection/cough from hell that I have had now for 4 years and 4 months and 4 days today. It's so much to deal with. And then I feel like a total slacker for feeling that way because so many others have it worse. But honestly, it has affected every area of my life. I can no longer massage clients, I don't attend births, I don't like to be in a big group because I never know if I will have to leave quickly and head for a place to cough without bothering everyone around me. I know it's not a contagious thing but others don't. I know how I feel when people cough around me in public. After 3+ years of seeing every damn doctor I could and taking all the drugs and having sinus surgery and being passed off to the next doctor, one after the other I have switched to Chinese medicine this past year. It's been about 9 months and at one point I felt like i was 90% better and then the damn cedar pollen hit and I am right back to where i was. I just can't seem to get healthy enough to fight off these allergies and get rid of that initial infection.
And get this! After telling me it is an antibiotic resistant infection the doctors insisted on continuing to prescribe antibiotics and steroids to treat it. I went through a total of 22 rounds of antibiotics and steroids. This is why my immune system is shot. I believe I have tried every single thing and tried to be diligent about following the protocols for each thing to get this cleared up. I am not sure what to do next but what I DO know is this can NOT be my new normal.
Oh! And my Chinese medicine practitioner has said that the bronchial chest area is the seat of unresolved grief. So maybe there is an emotional component to this thing. Hopefully, if that is so then the work I am doing with my therapist will help me on two levels, emotional and physical.
5. In other news, Stanley Manley died. Both my black and white kitties from Mexico City are now gone. Lester died a year ago at 17 and Stanley made it to 18. I miss those boys so much. Lester slept snuggled up to my chest every night and I have an empty spot in my arms at night and in my heart. Little Maizie Maggie MacPhee will come and sleep there sometimes but she is so teeny and weighs nothing so it's not the same. We are damn near out of pets! Now the oldest one is Angus MacPhee who just had his 13th birthday. Then our old pitty pit pit, Ernest T. Bass who turned 12 in May. And then there is Maizie who is 8 and considered a senior at the vet and bringing up the rear is our largest and fattest and youngest Fiona Petunia MacPhee. The other 2 cats still hate her and she hates them. According to my vet cats will do this and put one cat in the position of being the Pariah Kitty. Now, how fucking sad is that? She really would have been better off in a home where she was the only princess kitty but no one wanted her. I couldn't leave her on the streets and I have tried to find her another home but no one wants her. She is a quirky, funny girl. She's all fat and plump and has weird fur that I have discovered is the kind that Abyssinian cats have. She is a one person cat who just doesn't like other cats. So she comes to me when she wants attention and then alternately beats the crap out of the others or hides from them. It's not ideal but it's what we have.
This seems like a really long post for now. If anyone has read this and has any thoughts I would love to hear from you!
Monday, August 5, 2019
Saturday, January 19, 2019
Depression, Part Two
That rambling post from yesterday was not very well thought out, mostly stream of consciousness rambling, but necessary. I just don't understand how everyone became so hateful and Us v. Them. Is it social media and all the fake news and Russian bots messing with every one's minds? Who knows? How is it possible to prove or disprove any of these things?
I do know that when I bring up how I feel to anyone, especially people in my family, they immediately go on the defense and start the whole "Yeah, well what about Bill Clinton?" or even worse my own mother pulled this shit on me "We put up with 8 years of Obama, you can live through 4 years of Trump".
Why does talking about how awful one person is mean we have to compare and contrast to anyone else? Just recognize that you have backed a losing horse and get off of it and start again with more knowledge and choose better. I don't believe our country will be able to recover from much more of this administration. It is unbelievable the damage that has already been started, the relationships with other countries that have been eroded. We have lost all credibility and no way are we considered the number one country in the world, a world power and all that. There is not one area of our lives that hasn't been negatively affected. I am beyond scared and truly do not know where we can go from here.
In the good news column we have some good choices for the next election to put up as candidates to help right this ship. We have Elizabeth Warren, Julian Castro (our former mayor and hometown favorite), possibly Beto O'Rourke (we should hear more about this in the coming weeks), and a host of others are still reviewing their options. Surely, we can find 2 great, dynamic, strong candidates to get us back on track. I would love to see Cory Booker and Kamala Harris get in this.
Today is the Women's March, the 3rd annual. And sadly, I did not make it to ours. Our local march turned into a rally and we had cold weather blow in overnight and I wasn't able to get there. They changed it to a rally because the date fell 2 days before the Martin Luther King March on Monday. The MLK march here is usually the largest or one of the largest in the country. They expect at least 300,000 participants. So, the Women's March kind of got lost this year.
If you are experiencing these same emotions and feelings and have any words or advice to help, please share in the comments. I need to find some healthy coping skills. Thanks for coming by and reading.
I do know that when I bring up how I feel to anyone, especially people in my family, they immediately go on the defense and start the whole "Yeah, well what about Bill Clinton?" or even worse my own mother pulled this shit on me "We put up with 8 years of Obama, you can live through 4 years of Trump".
Why does talking about how awful one person is mean we have to compare and contrast to anyone else? Just recognize that you have backed a losing horse and get off of it and start again with more knowledge and choose better. I don't believe our country will be able to recover from much more of this administration. It is unbelievable the damage that has already been started, the relationships with other countries that have been eroded. We have lost all credibility and no way are we considered the number one country in the world, a world power and all that. There is not one area of our lives that hasn't been negatively affected. I am beyond scared and truly do not know where we can go from here.
In the good news column we have some good choices for the next election to put up as candidates to help right this ship. We have Elizabeth Warren, Julian Castro (our former mayor and hometown favorite), possibly Beto O'Rourke (we should hear more about this in the coming weeks), and a host of others are still reviewing their options. Surely, we can find 2 great, dynamic, strong candidates to get us back on track. I would love to see Cory Booker and Kamala Harris get in this.
Today is the Women's March, the 3rd annual. And sadly, I did not make it to ours. Our local march turned into a rally and we had cold weather blow in overnight and I wasn't able to get there. They changed it to a rally because the date fell 2 days before the Martin Luther King March on Monday. The MLK march here is usually the largest or one of the largest in the country. They expect at least 300,000 participants. So, the Women's March kind of got lost this year.
If you are experiencing these same emotions and feelings and have any words or advice to help, please share in the comments. I need to find some healthy coping skills. Thanks for coming by and reading.
Friday, January 18, 2019
The Reason for my Depression
Let's face it, I have been depressed and full of anxiety since the damn election 2 years ago. I am so bewildered that about half of the citizens of this country thought that Hillary was such a horrible choice they would rather elect and support the worst man alive. It baffles me. Hillary was not my first choice. But she was the one the powers that be determined at the Democratic National Convention we were going to have. I am still pissed about how all of that went down. But that's not the issue here. In my head I kept thinking this must be like when Minnesota went and voted for Jesse Ventura for governor not realizing that he would REALLY THEN BE THEIR GOVERNOR. Letting the general public vote is a crap shoot, that's the truth. But think of the alternatives. This is still infinitely better than most.
When I was a girl I read Diary of Anne Frank and like most everyone I wondered how on earth could such a thing happen. How could a country like Germany install a government that created such evil and everyone stood around and watched? How could that happen? Where were the good people who opposed this? And of course, it was not that simple. Things begin one way and present themselves as one thing and then the darker side emerges when enough people seem to be on board. We all know this.
If you want to educate yourself about what is happening here and now in this country of ours, just Google comparisons of 1930s Germany to present-day USA and spend the next few weeks of your life reading how many leading scholars of the holocaust have already seen this and are frankly, worried and concerned about how we are ignoring the warnings. For example: https://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2018/10/5/17940610/trump-hitler-history-historian
So, how do we navigate this? How do we do our part to keep shining a light and holding up the mirror and maintain any sort of hopefulness? This is something my friends and I discuss at length. We are not doing well. I am participating at a much higher level than I previously did going to marches, protests, rallies, working on political campaigns, and pointing out when the emperor is going around naked. And it takes it's toll on me. I have to take days and weeks and not read the news and try to stay away from it to try and feel normal and not so depleted.
It has been 2 years now and I have tried so hard, feeling like I am bending over backwards to understand what is going on with the other half. Why do they feel this is their best option? Why do they STILL support this horrible man and his policies? Are they all the same as him? Do I really want to believe that half of of this country's populace are racist, misogynistic assholes who only think of themselves? That can't be right. If it is, then how did this come to pass? How is it that people I know and love and have always thought of as intelligent, and reasonable are now championing the ideas and policies that are the opposite of that? Does that mean I have been naive and never really knew any of them?
The point for me is that I now have no trust in people who continue to support this presidency. I am leery of things they tell me. I don't believe they have my back, nor do they have my best interests at heart. So, what do I do with this? Do I go around unfriending people left and right on social media and only see things I agree with? If I unfriend people am I also unfriending them in real life? And is it really in my best interest to not see things from all perspectives?
I am in uncharted waters here. I don't know what to do. I do know that my feelings about all of this are overwhelming me and I need some resolution.
My voting and activism centers around 3 issues. I support women's rights (and that includes women's right to choose safe, legal abortion), LGBTQ rights, and environmental issues. I believe all humans should have the same rights no matter your gender and that we all have a responsibility to keep this planet clean and safe for future generations. I believe this to be the very basic tenets to operate from and everything else is secondary. And we all know that the current administration is chipping away at all 3 of these issues. We had made good headway over the last 10 years or so but this won't be the case by the end of this presidency. Every time I look at my grandchildren I feel shame at what questions they will have for me in 20 years about what I did or didn't do to make things better and how I could have done better.
I have no answers, only more and more questions. And more anxiety and more depression over the state of things.
When I was a girl I read Diary of Anne Frank and like most everyone I wondered how on earth could such a thing happen. How could a country like Germany install a government that created such evil and everyone stood around and watched? How could that happen? Where were the good people who opposed this? And of course, it was not that simple. Things begin one way and present themselves as one thing and then the darker side emerges when enough people seem to be on board. We all know this.
If you want to educate yourself about what is happening here and now in this country of ours, just Google comparisons of 1930s Germany to present-day USA and spend the next few weeks of your life reading how many leading scholars of the holocaust have already seen this and are frankly, worried and concerned about how we are ignoring the warnings. For example: https://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2018/10/5/17940610/trump-hitler-history-historian
So, how do we navigate this? How do we do our part to keep shining a light and holding up the mirror and maintain any sort of hopefulness? This is something my friends and I discuss at length. We are not doing well. I am participating at a much higher level than I previously did going to marches, protests, rallies, working on political campaigns, and pointing out when the emperor is going around naked. And it takes it's toll on me. I have to take days and weeks and not read the news and try to stay away from it to try and feel normal and not so depleted.
It has been 2 years now and I have tried so hard, feeling like I am bending over backwards to understand what is going on with the other half. Why do they feel this is their best option? Why do they STILL support this horrible man and his policies? Are they all the same as him? Do I really want to believe that half of of this country's populace are racist, misogynistic assholes who only think of themselves? That can't be right. If it is, then how did this come to pass? How is it that people I know and love and have always thought of as intelligent, and reasonable are now championing the ideas and policies that are the opposite of that? Does that mean I have been naive and never really knew any of them?
The point for me is that I now have no trust in people who continue to support this presidency. I am leery of things they tell me. I don't believe they have my back, nor do they have my best interests at heart. So, what do I do with this? Do I go around unfriending people left and right on social media and only see things I agree with? If I unfriend people am I also unfriending them in real life? And is it really in my best interest to not see things from all perspectives?
I am in uncharted waters here. I don't know what to do. I do know that my feelings about all of this are overwhelming me and I need some resolution.
My voting and activism centers around 3 issues. I support women's rights (and that includes women's right to choose safe, legal abortion), LGBTQ rights, and environmental issues. I believe all humans should have the same rights no matter your gender and that we all have a responsibility to keep this planet clean and safe for future generations. I believe this to be the very basic tenets to operate from and everything else is secondary. And we all know that the current administration is chipping away at all 3 of these issues. We had made good headway over the last 10 years or so but this won't be the case by the end of this presidency. Every time I look at my grandchildren I feel shame at what questions they will have for me in 20 years about what I did or didn't do to make things better and how I could have done better.
I have no answers, only more and more questions. And more anxiety and more depression over the state of things.
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