Hi, My Name is LisaPie

And all you 12-steppers just said "Hi Lisa Pie" in your heads, didn't you?  I am a self-professed recovering codependent person.  If you had told me 10 years ago that I was codependent I would have laughed at you and shown you the door.  If you had suggested to me that my way of handling things wasn't working and I need to learn a new way, I would have told you that my way was just right and it was all those OTHER jack wagons who were impeding the progress I had so carefully laid out.

Fear and a need to try and control things in your life and around you and in your loved ones' lives is a full-time job.  A full-time job with no benefits and lots of heart ache and resentment.  And it will suck the life right out of you and leave you with sadness and sometimes bad health due to focusing so much on fixing others and ignoring your own self.  That is after you damn near kill your alcoholic/addict with kindness trying to handle everything for them.

If I were to list here all the completely crazy things I have done that made perfect sense to me at the time your own head might explode.  You might start to wonder how I am able to get up every day and walk around like I have good sense.  And this was all back when I thought I only had one addict in my life.

You know how they say that you are given a lesson over and over again until you get it right?  Just recently I was listening to what is called a "speaker tape" even though it is now on CD rather than tape.  And it was a man speaking to a gathering of AA and Al-Anon members.  What he said was so perfectly in tune with my life he could have been speaking directly to me and about me.  And it was as if a light had been turned on in a dark corner of my brain where I was keeping all the files that would show me how codependent I really am.  Now in order for that particular analogy to make any sense you should know that I picture my brain much like an old, old library with nothing but card catalog file drawers.  And all my thoughts, memories, etc are all in there.  So of course, as I have gotten older and older I get more and more file drawers for all of these things.  That's why it sometimes takes me a while to find the right drawer and rifle through it for the exact thought I am looking for.  This is my story and I am sticking with it.

So what happened when that light was turned on was this:  I was suddenly aware of all the times I had chosen the addicted person, the alcoholic, the person with the most stuff to work on to be attracted to. I can pick out a person with an addictive personality at 20 paces.  Now to be fair, they tend to be funny, inviting, smart, interesting people.  But there is something in me that is drawn to them like a moth to a flame, or you could say like an alcoholic to a bottle of vodka.  And I mean friends, boyfriends, lovers, all people. There before me was this long list of people that I had to look at and take stock of.  What is the deal that I never saw this before?  The speaker on the tape/CD said this "if you are ever questioning whether you think you might be an alcoholic and want an answer here is a surefire way to find out:  just come up to me and ask "do you find me attractive?" and  that is exactly what I do!

How did I get to be 55 years of age before I was aware of this about myself?  I can't answer that. And here's a better question:  how is it that my chemical makeup is such that I am drawn to the addictive person rather than to the drugs or the alcohol?  I mean, I have used alcohol and cigarettes and some drugs in my life, but I could always quit.  And I have.  I quit smoking cigarettes 35 years ago.  I quit taking drugs/smoking pot not long after that.  And I have gradually cut back on my alcohol consumption to the point where I might have 6 or 8 drinks a year.  That has come about due to having arthritis and other health issues that require medication and I don't want to overload my liver with the meds and the alcohol.  It's just not a big deal for me.  Not like eggplant parmigiana.  Now, that is a big deal to give up.  I am certainly not trying to make light of people who have an addiction that they are struggling with. I am only pointing out that this is one way I can see that I am not a member of that tribe.  Anyhoo, I don't know how I could NOT see this as a pattern in my life except to say that it sure is easy to walk around with blinders on and not notice the big obvious elephant in the room.

I am now a loud and proud member of the struggling to improve codependent crew.  This will be a life-long endeavor for me.  Reading books, doing some step work, going to meetings are a part of my life.  I want to be better.  I want to be a healthy example of what you can be if you are willing to take the hard looks at yourself and face up to what you have done and what you can do differently.  And I will most likely be a glaring example of how to fuck things up occasionally.  But I am trying and learning and growing.  And I am here if you ever need to talk or need something because that is part of who I am; I am a nurturer and a care-giver.  As one of my friends from the meetings said "I never thought I was controlling, I always thought I was just being helpful!"

And just to be a little bit more helpful here is a list of some books that are outstanding:

 

Actually, if you go to Melody Beattie's website you can read all about her and all her great books.  These are just 2 of hers that have been really helpful to me.  The one by Sarah Hepola is new and very good.  I was surprised at how many things she wrote about that applied to me.  And the Daily Meditation one by Misti B I just got and am just starting it.  She is taking a humorous approach to the daily meditations that are usually quite serious.  I am loving what I am reading so far.

Hope you have a great day out there!